Operation Grange celebrates arrival of Holmes 3

In a landmark move, Operation Grange is the first team in the UK to be granted access to a sophisticated new filing system, specifically designed to deal with unsolicited dossiers, DVDs and vexatious FOI requests, which has been nicknamed ''Holmes 3"

"Holmes 3" gets to work on the latest Hollywood blockbuster from director Richard "Dicky" Bollocks, "They Were All Lying Bastards", written by Tony Gobshyte a team of expert researchers.

"We are delighted" said Chief Inspector Earl Lee Retirement. "You have no idea how much shite we are sent on a weekly basis. Admittedly, some of it is fucking hilarious, but I've got three men off sick with hernias. It's just not worth it"

"Now we don't even unload the van, our Postie just drives it up a ramp and fucks off at the earliest opportunity"

The system is even kind to the environment, as the waste is recycled into toilet paper.

"At the moment we can only offer the toilet paper in one colour, thanks to the high levels of blue ink in the pulp, so you probably would have to have a blue khazi, to be honest. But let's face it, you are only going to wipe your arse on it"